What are the goals of mediation?

If you are experiencing the emotional and financial stress often associated with separation and divorce, you will benefit from thoughtful planning.

Mediation helps you reach an agreement which you understand and can accept, one that allows you to have greater confidence in your ability to plan and predict your future.

Mediation helps you begin your separate lives with a better awareness of your individual strengths and opportunities.

Mediation helps you provide for your children’s healthy growth, and sets the stage for cooperative parenting.

Who wins in mediation?

If either of you insists on winning at the expense of the other, mediation will not succeed. If both of you enter mediation with the aim of reaching a realistic agreement that best meets the needs of both of you, both can and should expect to win.

 What happens if only one of us wants mediation?

Mediation can only begin when both of you agree to mediate. Many couples have successfully completed mediation even though one has been less desirous of the separation than the other. It is important that both of you accept the reality of the separation and possible divorce. If, at any point during the mediation, one of you decides not to continue, the mediation stops. (back to top)

 What issues are discussed in mediation?

For those families with children, arrangements for their care, and responsibility for their expenses and child support will be considered. For all couples, the division of assets and responsibility for the payment of debts, as well as life and health insurance will also be part of the agenda. In those cases in which it is relevant, the duration and amount of alimony is yet another subject. In addition, any other issue that is important to either of you will be discussed. The structure of mediation allows you to consider each issue individually, building the entire agreement as you progress.

What is required of you during mediation?

Two things. One, to be your own advocate, sharing that which is important to you. Two, to listen carefully to what is said by the other - in that way, learning what is important to him or her. This empowers you to ask for what you want in a way that is most likely to be responded to positively. (back to top)

Do I need special knowledge or expertise in order to use mediation?

No. You do not need special knowledge or expertise in order to use mediation. Almost everyone using mediation is a novice. The pace of mediation is designed to give you the time to deal with each issue in a thoughtful and manageable way.

 My husband/wife is much better at negotiating than I. Should I be afraid of mediation?

Not necessarily. Mediation will only, can only, move at a pace with which you are comfortable. If you feel that mediation is moving too quickly, it is only necessary to ask the mediator to slow the process so you have time to think about your best response. Such a request will always be honored. And, if you believe you would be more comfortable speaking with an advisor between mediation sessions, you have the right to do so.

Are attorneys, financial planners, accountants or other professional advisors required?

This depends upon the knowledge and experience you bring to mediation, the complexity of your legal or financial questions, and your comfort in mediating without such advice. It is essential that any advisor you choose is comfortable with your using mediation, and endorses the values of mediation. (back to top)

Do attorneys negotiate for us either during mediation or between mediation sessions?

No. By limiting the role of attorneys to that of an advisor rather than negotiator or litigator, your expense is kept to a minimum. While not usual, if both of you believe it would be helpful, attorneys and other advisors can participate in the mediation sessions as advisors.

 Is mediation the same as marriage counseling?

No. Mediation is not marriage counseling. Its goal is not to achieve reconciliation nor does it deal with the reasons you are separating. While not required, it is advisable to have seen a marriage counselor before beginning mediation. If, during mediation you decide not to separate, the mediation ends. It would be wise, should you decide to reconcile, to have a counselor or therapist help you explore what is required in order to have that reconciliation succeed. (back to top)

 Should you discontinue counseling once mediation has begun?

Not necessarily. Mediation is not a replacement for counseling. Separation and divorce can be very stressful. It is often helpful to have the support of a counselor or therapist during such a difficult period.

If we are unable to agree, will the mediator decide for us?

No, if you are unable to agree on an issue, the mediator will suggest options, and help you explore ways in which the issue might be resolved. Most couples reach agreement on all issues.

How long does mediation take?

The length of mediation varies depending upon the number and complexity of the issues and the length of time it takes for you to find resolutions that satisfy both of you. Typically, between three and six sessions of one and one-half to two hours are required, but some couples complete the work in much less time. Some, very few, couples take more. Meetings are usually held once every week or two, but this can vary to meet your needs and schedules. (back to top)

 How expensive is mediation?

The cost of mediation varies with the number of sessions. The total cost, including the drafting of the Agreement, is usually between fifteen hundred and three thousand dollars, but can be more or less. The cost of mediation is almost always less than having two lawyers negotiate for you. This is so, even when the cost of advisory attorneys is added to the cost of mediation. The cost of litigation is almost always many times greater than mediation. Reduced fees for mediation are available for those couples facing severe financial stress.

What happens at the conclusion of mediation?

When mediation is concluded, the mediator drafts your agreement that reflects your understanding. Should you wish, you may consult with an attorney, financial planner, accountant or any other advisor of your choice before signing. It is important that advisors be kept informed throughout the mediation of the issues you are working to resolve, and that their advice not be sought only at the end of mediation. To save their advice for the end would leave you vulnerable to having to revisit some of the issues that you had worked to resolve during mediation. If you decide to divorce, the signed agreement would then become part of your divorce.

How can I judge whether mediation is appropriate?

If you wish to reach a reasoned and reasonable agreement; if you wish to do so in a way that is likely to maintain your dignity and honor, mediation should be considered. An orientation session of one to one and one half hours can be scheduled to explore mediation in greater detail. (back to top)

Contact: Stanley L. Rodbell without obligation

(410) 730-7618 or srodbell@aol.com